Saturday, October 1, 2011

Just Because...

Tonight I'm writing, because I was reminded, of how therapeutic writing can be
Life is like a balance beam...one step too far ahead, you crash, one step back too far, you crash

How do you know the limits in between those too far ahead and too far back steps?
How do you know if the little things you do will end up being big thing that throws you for a loop?

It's unpredictable how life can change so much with the smallest step...either good or bad...
And to constantly live in it's balance...is a challenge...not easy at all...because what if you fall...

Falling is not good, but in some ways it's better then soaring...because at least you know what falling is like and where you'll land...
If you're soaring you may end up in unfamiliar territory, wishing you could go back, but forever stuck in a world you don't know...

How do you live, knowing that to better yourself, means you could lose the "self" that you know and potentially put you further behind then the first step forward ever should have
How do you live, knowing that to step backwards, mean you are not progressing and that your "self" is a disappointment to all those around

Everyone who actually cares...is ashamed of your state of being...you become the shame in the family...the weak link...yet you are the one, the only one, who cares what people think, and will try to blend into their lifestyle to fit in and not stand out like a sore thumb, too not shame those who you care about or potentially who care about you

Learning how to feel alive, how to live and grow, that is something I work on everyday, but I slip...and that's not allowed...so I remain silent...or talk to one of the few people who understands...or someone who I don't care if they approve or not...but family and close, close friends...they shall not know...for knowing brings shame...and shame brings hurt and loss...

And to lose those bloodlines, and those closest to me, is like someone ripping your heart out of your chest...and expecting you to still be able to live...impossible...


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